Blessings

oh god, i did a really bad thing today.

the new "casual" midwife,
implanted by the mayor
decided to celebrate her first salary
by cooking kare-kare for everybody.

and because, for the life of me,
i cannot really swallow all the bullshit
that she is putting out and because
of my stupid pride and because i know
i should have had her coveted "item"
as a paid government employee,

i walked out and went home.

i made excuses that i did not eat
that particular viand and claimed that
i am off meat products but really...

di ko masikmura ang pagpapakain niya
bilang simbulo ng tagumpay niya.

i knew that if i ate her kare, it would be
like acknowledging that yes i am a puny
pawn - kinain ang sarili niyang pride.

kahit magutom ako dun
at least di ko kinain principles ko.

if kahit konting katiting na delikadesa at goodness
may natitira pa sa corrupt na gobyernong ito
please lord show it to me...

when i came back,
everybody sensed it,
they kept on asking me
bakit di ako kumain,

i was an automaton on replay
"di po ako nakain ng karne
at di po ako nakain ng kare unless luto
ng lola ko na unfortunately ay deads na"

but we all knew why...

and then my chief nurse told me
"hayaan mo anak pag nanalo si
*insert mayor's name here*
ako mismo magbaback-up sayo
at ipapalipat ko sila"

i almost cried
kunyari nagbabasa ako ng diyaryo
at ngumingiti pero di ko na
talaga mabasa yung nakasulat
dahil pinipigilan kong umiyak.

i deserve it,
volunteer for 2 years,
most recommended and trusted,
and then dahil lang sa pulitika
wala na...

i went home, changed clothes,
went to the post office to drop
some mail and while riding the jeep
i saw this boy na may cerebral palsy.

tumigil yung dyip sa kanto kung saan
siya nakatayo at binigyan siya ng driver ng barya.
i recognized him kasi, we gave him some food
the past month kasi sabi nung isa na mabait siya
at hindi makulit kung manglimos di tulad nung
mga pesteng mini-lupin na mga bata sa kalsada.

going back...
natandaan ko siya kasi nakain kami
dati ng merienda sa mini stop
at dahil transparent ang windows
nagpeople watching kami,
nakita ko siya na hirap na kumikilos,

tumabi siya sa mga trisikel driver,
nilabas yung mumurahing mga hopia na
baon niya at inalok lahat yung nakatambay.

sobrang natunaw ako sa ginawa
niya kasi mas kailangan niya yung food
tapos inalok pa sa iba so i decided
to buy some kariman for him
and asked my kasama to give it to him
kasi baka mailang sa kulay ko.

tapos eto ulit nakita ko siya sa kanto,
kung abutan siya ok lang,
kung wala kang barya ok lang din.

yung inabot ng jeepney driver
sa kaniya nilagay niya agad sa maliit na pouch
and he gave everybody this smile
na alam mong sincere.

it took me all my strength to stop
bawling and crying my eyes out
on the jeepney.

putang-ina!
who am i to complain?!!!!
this boy has to live with cerebral palsy
all his life, he cant go to a normal
school, cant move freely as other kids,
he gets teased for being different,
malamang hindi pa nga siya napasok sa school
tapos eto ako reklamo ng reklamo,
napakawala kong kwenta.

pagkatapak ko sa bahay,
umiyak ako.
inayakan ko yung bata pati
yung katangahan kong magreklamo
pati na rin yung frustration ko sa buhay.

God bless that kid and keep him safe.