Hi

Hello!  Echo... echo...

i am still alive,

my back has been acting up again,

so moving is painful for me.

Gosh, 30 really ages a lady quickly,

I feel like an old woman already.

i cant bend my back and i tend to sleep laterally.

Yey for my cat and hubby!

kitty makes good company while

hubby is mindful to make things accessible for me.

the house is still cluttered with 2 hampers worth of laundry

plus a lot of stuff in recyclable bags

that i am supposed to hand down to my cousins.

i have way too many clothes.

i am whittling down my wardrobe to the basics.

i have been sleeping way up till the 

earliest neighborhood rooster crows.

i have been playing the ace attorney: phoenix

wright and apollo justice nintendo ds games.

i accidentally dropped my nds when i nodded

off one time and now my saved game slot is corrupted

so now i have to start all over again.

its 1:15 am, i can hear the faintest knocking 

somewhere in our compound.

my neighbors are really unconcerned with security,

they always forget to lock the gate.

i just flicked the lights outside on,

to signal that somebody is awake

and actually mindful of her surroundings.

the cat is useless, wish i could adopt a dog.

Back Pain Again

Here it is again,

the back pain from hell.

It started out as a dull pain,

now I can barely bend my back.

Which of course leads to lessons

in valuing body mechanics - 

I now bend my knees when picking up stuff 

from the floor, i also look like a rusty robot doing it.

I have become adept in putting on 

my underwear by inching it oh so slowly

up my thighs, trying hard not to bend.

And showering and doing my thing on the 

toilet throne and tying my shoes...

the list of my daily activities goes on.

(Image Source)

I am taking all these for granted.

My body is wearing down and I have barely

accomplished anything.

Back to sulking?

Not really, I have to make do with the situation.

I am not entirely positive but I am coping!

Pain

I have never known emotional pain
as bad as I have went through.

I cannot really spill all the nasty details,
suffice to say, what I went through
at my age, is something other people
would have committed suicide for.

Tempting...
Tempted...
A swift escape but no,
I have to endure, this is my karma.

We are back together
but like porcelain or any other
fragile option.
It is just not the same.

I told my friends everything,
I spilled my guts because the pain
was too much for one person to bear.

I told them that we are
working on the kinks.
Our relationship is
still under construction.

Healing please...
We both need it.

(Photo Source)

Enough

 I got tired of putting up with
his shit already.

I told him,
"you are now a freeman,
please do not communicate
with me nor visit my house anymore."

He begged for another chance,
to make ammends.

And because I am not so sure
of myself, and I do not want to make
promises I cannot keep.

I told him that it was up to him
to make ammends,
if he says he is sorry,
saying it is not enough.

He has to do something
and prove it to me.
Because frankly he has been
churning out shit for awhile now.

Yesterday, I checked his phone.
I know I was wrong by invading
his privacy but lo and behold.

When I was at work and when he was
purportedly  out with his buddies
celebrating the festival he was meeting
one of his whores again.

He even saved her number under the name
- My Wife.

I wanted to slap him there and then
but he caught me holding his phone
and angrily castigated me.

I locked myself upstairs and cried.
Those were not tears of sadness
anymore but of anger.

After several hours I went
downstairs, he tried to hug me
but I shoved him.

And then it all poured out,
I was crying and angry with him.
I told him not to bother me again,
he pleaded to reconcile.

I told him how I was able to
hack all of his online accounts,
he said he did not want to know.

I told him, that he has to look
at it because in one of his logs,
he sent a message to one of his whores
saying not to mind me because I was
a spoiled stuck-up only child.
He even used an expletive on me.

I told him everything -
how I can see his messages,
how he professed his love to
all his whores except me and treated
me like shit instead.

I told him how unfair he was
and how lucky he was to have me
knowing how I have put up with him
with all these years.

I was just so mad.

I have put him on a pedestal
to worship yet he treated me like dirt.

I just want to move on.

Yes, I still love him, eight years
is just too much to forget overnight.

I just dont want to grow old alone
but I know there are some things
I really need to do by myself.

Heal me please...
I want this over and done with.

Message

(Photo Source)

"I know that you think of me,
when you are alone
in the four corners of your house.
I still love you...
I still want you to be the one.
I want you to be mine."

He sent me this message awhile back.
Yes, I do think of him.
Every damn second!

My heart is like a dam:
pent-up emotions I reign in
with iron-hard resolution.

I try damn it!

I just keep myself busy.

Whereas before,
he was the domestic partner,
I now do everything.

I have rediscovered how it is
to launder my own clothes,
keep the house almost spic and span,
bond with the cat.

I remember him,
his scent,
his laughter,
his very being,
especially now that I am alone in this house.

Before he left I told him...
'We woudn't be like this
if you did not go about womanizing."

He replied with a
head-bowed-down sorry
and cried...

I am lost now more than ever,
After almost eight years of being
together, I now have to fend for myself alone.

Separating

 (Photo Source)

On this day,
we separated.

We both have issues,
but mostly its you.

This time there is no loophole
to convince me otherwise.

I am not really tragically  heartbroken
but yes I am sad.

I have lost a partner,
a laughing buddy,
a shoulder to cry on,
an ear to listen...
I have lost half of me.

Let us just make the most out of it.

Ouchies

 

(Photo Source)

 My back hurts.  

I really need to lose weight pfffttt!