Done

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I ended it.

The last straw

was a text from his whore.

I feel so abused.

Yes, i am drowning in self-pity.

Lord, give me strength.

Heal me.

Disclosure

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We are trying to move on,

he has his relapses,

but I just keep on reminding him

of where we stand now as a couple.

We both make efforts to

sustain our relationship.

There is no ' I ' in the word couple anyway.

We make do, everyday.

It is hard but we are working on it. 

Floating

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I am at a state wherein 

I just want to float away to nothingness.

I cry every damn night.

A partner's infidelity can cause insanity

to a lesser woman.

I still do not trust him.

He has yet to prove it to me

I am seriously thinking, he never will.

He has hurt me again,

that is besides the mistakes

he committed last time.

He has yet to find a future for himself.

He has no intimacy left for me.

I practically have to beg.

I cannot help it.

He says I always try to find faults,

He says I have to many insecurities.

He made me this way...

For 6 years I never nagged,

I rarely got mad,

I gave in to his every whim,

i gave myself to him,

I showered him with just-because gifts

I tried to make him happy even if it meant

sacrifices... they are all meaningless now.

I am spent.

I just want him the way he was before.

He was spontaneous,

head over heels for me,

thoughtful,

he was honest about everything.

But that was then.

Why does it hurt so much?

Yes, I got him back,

but this stranger, he is not the man I loved.

Help me.

I know I cannot turn back time.

Help me believe that everything will be okay in the end,

even if it means letting him go.

Pain

I have never known emotional pain
as bad as I have went through.

I cannot really spill all the nasty details,
suffice to say, what I went through
at my age, is something other people
would have committed suicide for.

Tempting...
Tempted...
A swift escape but no,
I have to endure, this is my karma.

We are back together
but like porcelain or any other
fragile option.
It is just not the same.

I told my friends everything,
I spilled my guts because the pain
was too much for one person to bear.

I told them that we are
working on the kinks.
Our relationship is
still under construction.

Healing please...
We both need it.

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Enough

 I got tired of putting up with
his shit already.

I told him,
"you are now a freeman,
please do not communicate
with me nor visit my house anymore."

He begged for another chance,
to make ammends.

And because I am not so sure
of myself, and I do not want to make
promises I cannot keep.

I told him that it was up to him
to make ammends,
if he says he is sorry,
saying it is not enough.

He has to do something
and prove it to me.
Because frankly he has been
churning out shit for awhile now.

Yesterday, I checked his phone.
I know I was wrong by invading
his privacy but lo and behold.

When I was at work and when he was
purportedly  out with his buddies
celebrating the festival he was meeting
one of his whores again.

He even saved her number under the name
- My Wife.

I wanted to slap him there and then
but he caught me holding his phone
and angrily castigated me.

I locked myself upstairs and cried.
Those were not tears of sadness
anymore but of anger.

After several hours I went
downstairs, he tried to hug me
but I shoved him.

And then it all poured out,
I was crying and angry with him.
I told him not to bother me again,
he pleaded to reconcile.

I told him how I was able to
hack all of his online accounts,
he said he did not want to know.

I told him, that he has to look
at it because in one of his logs,
he sent a message to one of his whores
saying not to mind me because I was
a spoiled stuck-up only child.
He even used an expletive on me.

I told him everything -
how I can see his messages,
how he professed his love to
all his whores except me and treated
me like shit instead.

I told him how unfair he was
and how lucky he was to have me
knowing how I have put up with him
with all these years.

I was just so mad.

I have put him on a pedestal
to worship yet he treated me like dirt.

I just want to move on.

Yes, I still love him, eight years
is just too much to forget overnight.

I just dont want to grow old alone
but I know there are some things
I really need to do by myself.

Heal me please...
I want this over and done with.

Message

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"I know that you think of me,
when you are alone
in the four corners of your house.
I still love you...
I still want you to be the one.
I want you to be mine."

He sent me this message awhile back.
Yes, I do think of him.
Every damn second!

My heart is like a dam:
pent-up emotions I reign in
with iron-hard resolution.

I try damn it!

I just keep myself busy.

Whereas before,
he was the domestic partner,
I now do everything.

I have rediscovered how it is
to launder my own clothes,
keep the house almost spic and span,
bond with the cat.

I remember him,
his scent,
his laughter,
his very being,
especially now that I am alone in this house.

Before he left I told him...
'We woudn't be like this
if you did not go about womanizing."

He replied with a
head-bowed-down sorry
and cried...

I am lost now more than ever,
After almost eight years of being
together, I now have to fend for myself alone.

Separating

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On this day,
we separated.

We both have issues,
but mostly its you.

This time there is no loophole
to convince me otherwise.

I am not really tragically  heartbroken
but yes I am sad.

I have lost a partner,
a laughing buddy,
a shoulder to cry on,
an ear to listen...
I have lost half of me.

Let us just make the most out of it.