Modern Slave.

Well, well, well.

Kain, tulog, work lang ang

buhay dito.

Naging bobo ako dito.

Bumalik sa pre-school

ang level ng Ingles

at nawala na din ata ang

lahat ng napagaralan ko.

Natuto na ako magmura

ng harap-harapan.

Magdabog ng walang pakialam.

At nawala na ng tuluyan ang aking pasensiya.

Ibang klase ang buhay dito.

Kapalit ng sweldo mo talaga

ang halos na nakaluhod na

pagsilbi sa mga nilalang dito.

Hindi ko sila matawag na tao.

Beings oo pero hindi sila sentient.

Manhid sila, hindi kami tao sa kanila.

Siguro nga aso ang tingin nila sa amin,

kapareho lang ng tingin namin sa kanila.

11 kaming dumating dito.

Yung isa napauwi ng mas maaga,

the rest hindi na magrerecontract

at ako na lang ang matitira

dahil aminado ako...

desperado ako sa pera.

Walang pera sa Pilipinas

at wala din akong makukuhang

certificate sa Pilipinas.

Yung 3 taong pagvolunteer ko.

Hindi ko magagamit, bale wala.

Nagamit din lang ako.

Thankful na din in a way kasi

dahil sa pagvolunteer na iyon.

Naandito na ako.

Maganda lang ang accomodation namin

kasi mga puti ang dating nakatira dito.

Maayos siguro ito dati kasi nga

Westeners ang nagsimula ng lahat,

pero ng umalis na sila.

Wala na, bumalik sa pagiging

primitibo ang lahat.

Gift

This was my gift to myself last year.
A Kindle.
Bought with the wages I earned.

So much misery and so much tears.

May I have the patience to continue.

I am irked with my coworkers more than our patients.

Somebody told me that it will almost certainly be your kabayan who will be the constant source of  one's headache.

Tried not to think about it but the more I am realizing that it is true.

Crab mentality affects not only Filipinos but its particularly more evident with Pinoys.

I am guilty.

I am stubborn.

But now I am learning to keep my volcano of a temper really really dormant and I try to avoid making comments on stuff I am not involved in.

Ode to self:
Keep mouth shut always.

The better person is the one who walks away calm and collected.

Some secrets need to be buried deep, marianas trench deep, never to be mentioned to any soul alive - human or crustacean.

There is always a time for everything, including landian and chikahan.

Moaning

moaningpresent participle of moan (Verb)

Verb:

Make a long, low sound expressing physical or mental suffering or sexual pleasure. (of a thing) Make a sound resembling this: "the foghorn moaned at intervals".

This is google's definition of moaning;
for more than two months now,
I have heard nothing but bitter
and tearful moans.

Though I moan too at times
especially when the workload
and the stress all pile up but unlike
most people I tend to keep most
of the frustration inside.

I prefer visualizing the rainbow at
the end of the rain shower or
the silver lining in the clouds.

Being positive helps especially
in our solitude.

We have nobody else to turn to
(aside from the guy upstairs who
hears our lamentations and ourselves).

Nakakahawa ang pessimism, at
oo, mahirap ang bawat araw dito
pero why don't we all just try
to cope and learn to move on.

Yes, there are days when I wish
I could wake up in my own bed
at home or never wake up at all
pero the reality is, this depressing
state is a sacrifice that we all
knew we would have to bear and surpass.

We made this decision
and so we must adjust.

Magaling ang Pinoy dito
kaya kakayanin natin ito.

Fingers-crossed.

I am alive !

Just a quick post...

I am still alive!

I am still adjusting with the workload as 

everything here is impractical.

Even the way they handle endorsements etc.

I bought my own laptop two days ago,

and also sent around half my money back home

to pay for the bills.

I now have more or less 150 rials

to survive till next salary.

I already had my groceries settled 

so I would not starve.

Poor Patient Compliance

Went in late to work

and found my friend in a disheveled state.

She had been on, straight for 2 shifts.

11pm-7am and 7am-3pm.

Yesterday we had zero patients,

today I found 4 toxic patients.

Bed 1 was the worst,

apparently she came in

with her baby probably dangling

from her uterus.

She was already full effaced and dilated

meaning she is crowning

and the baby would pop out in 

one miserable 'push'

(isang bahing na lang lalabas na yung bata)

But she came in at the lying-in 

for all the wrong reasons.

We have no resident doctors on duty.

Only midwives and nurses

attend to our patients.

This was her 7th baby,

she was already 44 years old,

her last delivery was already complicated,

she only had one prenatal 

consultation at her health center,

no ultrasound records,

plus she is a chain smoker

(all throughout her pregnancy).

All the high risk factors were there!

This was a patient

who had a death wish.

She was even caught lying,

when asked how her last delivery went,

she said she had no complications.

When her husband arrived,

he told the staff that she almost 

died during her last delivery.

If I was on duty,

I would have asked them

to find a priest

to give her the last rites

so as to truly scare them.

Ang sarap pukpukin!

When I scanned her

prenatal pink card records,

she still had the referral slips

for her lab works,

meaning she did not comply!

The usual excuse!

"Wala kaming pera!"

My friend told them - 

"Yun na nga ho e nag-anak pa po kayo.

Libre po ang family planning 

sa health center."

An ultrasound scan is worth

around P300 while

feeding another child 

would definitely cost more.

The last straw was when she admitted
she was smoking a few hours
prior to her admission -
she was already smoking
when she was in the early
stages of her labor!

Ang sarap sakalin!
Grabe!

No concern for her welfare
nor her unborn child!
Walang kwentang ina!

When her placenta came out
instead of the usual
one big mass of human organ,
it came out in pieces.

Her placenta's tissue integrity
was already compromised
from the beginning.

Not all the placental fragments came out
some adhered to her uterus
which made her bleed.

The institution has no resident doctors
on duty just on call.
My friend was not able to get
hold of any of the 5 doctors
save for one.

I could just imagine what my friend went through,
that situation was a nightmare.

Good thing the doctor was
able to relay her orders over the phone
in the wee hours of the morning.

The patient was technically in shock,
her BP was around 60/40 mmHg.
My friend hooked a double line
and a volume expander.
She managed her patient well
and I commend her
she saved this woman's life
from her own stupidity.

Her stubbornness and non-compliance
to health related advice put
her life as well as her baby's
in jeopardy as well
as the license of my friend.

Lagi na lang walang pera ang rason,
madali yan huwag kang bumili ng pangbisyo
at magipon ka kahit lima-limang piso
araw-araw para sa panganganak.

Hindi emergency ang pagbubuntis,
siyam na buwan ito.

Imagine ang city namin na walang income,
nililibre pa sila sa gastusin ng pangangak,
libre ang gamit at serbisyo.

Compliance na nga lang ang hinihingi,
na dumating sa appointed dates
ng prenatal check-up
at mapalaboratoryo ng libre,
hindi pa din nagawa.

Aba e kung wala ka din naman palang
concern sa pangangatawan mo
at pagbubuntis e di sana
hindi na lang siya nag-anak.

Dapat talaga ipasa na yang
RH Bill para maliwanagan
ang mga mangmang.
(sorry sa harsh word pero totoo ito)

Hindi na nga sila nakapag-aral
sa dami nila hindi din nila mapapag-aral ang anak nila.
Obligasyon ng bawat magulang na magbigay
ng maayos na kalidad ng buhay at edukasyon
sa mga anak nila hindi yung
pagtatrabahuin sila at gawing gatasan
kasi tamad na sila magtrabaho.

Sus! Ad misericordiam lagi,
paawa effect!

Hindi sa lahat ng oras maisasalba
ng awa at ng Dios ang buhay mo.
Kailangan kumilos ka rin bilang tao.

The Press is Killing Me.

The Press is killing me with - 

Stress.

Every single day when

I turn on the tv

or the radio.

The news presenters

and announcers

blare their lungs out screaming

that this so and so

john/jane doe

died of:

gunshot wounds,

drowning,

stab wounds,

vigilante justice,

electrocution

(having the misfortune of standing in lightning's way),

strangulation, massacre, 

war,

suicide,

hit and run;

a hit then a short run

then was backed up again

to be run over the

second time around.

I feel for the victims

and their families,

but it does not help

when the news is sensationalized

and overly presented

in a stage theater type exaggerated manner.

Hello pseudo-journalists

(ahem biased)

you are not helping!

Especially when you guys

report the facts publicly

instead of keeping some

things private

in respect for the

authorities' investigations

and the privacy of the victims.

Shame on you guys!

You even have the nerve

to criticize them when you guys

are always crossing the line

and not letting them doing their job.

Do not cross the police line please

or act like you are the police!

I know, some of them are

really incompetent investigators

who cannot put two and two together

and would rather let a fall guy take

the blame just to end a case

but come on where are your sensibilities?

Mind your own business

and please do it ethically.

The press is not helping especially

when they broadcast that a

 so and so raid is going to

occur here

(insert imaginary google map).

I also hope that they at least

try to maintain a dead person's dignity

by not showing their bodies.

Man! At least give them some respect,

you do not want to be ogled at

when your soul is floating

a foot away from your

scattered bodily parts on the road.

Just look at this telenovela

I read on the newspaper the other day:

I sympathize with the family,

this is really devastating.

But really when you talk to the press

all the nitty-gritty details

of your life are exposed.

I find it sad though that this Magsaysay (?name)

lady who knew all along that

she was an adulteress

by being a kept woman

of Ramon Revilla Senior

managed to have 9 kids with him ?!

WTF moment for me ?!

Delicadesa is lost and long gone in this country.

One mistake is enough, methinks.

But being Kabitenyo myself

this telenovela is far from over, 

expect more killings 

and more stress.

One solution I must implement

is to stop consuming all

these garbage reports

that the sensationalist press people are putting out

and oh, learn to cross-reference.

Not all things published are true.

(Including blogs hah!)

As my life philosophy goes:

there is no one truth,

truth is just a version of

one's perspective on fact.

Visa

(Image Source)

Received a delayed text and a call

today from the agency.

We already have our visas,

and we are to report for yet

another medical exam.

Gastos and more gastos

as we are to pay for the

processing fees and the

exorbitant fees probably

carefully mislabeled by our agency.

I was in shock.

I am now 30,

starting another chapter of my life.

I cried.

I fear for my future.

 I will be far away from

my comfort zone,

miles away from anybody

I really trust.

This is the time to 

be brave

and just to generally tough it up.

I am a fluffy marshmallow

underneath my imposing exterior.

Be brave! 

Why ?!

Rode a bus on my way home,

an approximately 2.5 hours worth of bus ride

turned into a public performance of

 excruciating wailing from an infant.

I am shorri... (cue gloria epek)

Gabi na at gusto ng magpahinga ng lahat

kahit man lang sa bus but 

no no no no.

May mga magulang na di nag-iisip.

Isakay ba ang batang nakatube dress

sa isang halos nagyeyelo na airconditioned na bus?

At nakatayo sila.

Bakit mo isasakripisyo ang welfare ng

infant dahil lang sa gusto niyo ng ginhawa?

Nag-ngangangawa na nga ang bata,

naistorbo pa ang ibang pasahero

at nasayang pa pamasahe niyo.

Napilitan sila bumaba ng mas maaga

dahil hindi talaga mapatahan ang bata.

Ewan ko ba sa mga magulang ngayon

kung anu-ano pinapasuot sa bata

kahit hindi akma masabi lang na postura.

Alam naman na uulan,

naka-tube ang bata,

kahit ba man lang baunan ng jacket.

Ang pinaklamasaklap,

na-trauma na ang bata sa public transpo.

Oo hindi ako mahilig nor natutuwa sa bata

pero

marunong ako maawa at umunawa.

Sana may sentido comon yung mga magulang.

Aargh!

Here it is again,

just because I did a few nice things,

that does not grant them the right to manipulate

me to do more.

I logged in at my volunteer work early today

and everything was just disheveled - a disaster area.

I had to resort to picking up the garbage myself

and asking others to help me tidy the room, straighten out

the chairs and table because the students were already there.

Days before, they also asked me to prepare the handouts and

paraphernalia we were going to use.

I packed  and labelled 2 boxes worth of equipment.

One of the instructors even commented, why are you even doing

that, you are just an 'insert',( in short a 'temp') its not really

your responsibility.

Weeks before that I volunteered to create an 

MS Office automated form to make the filing of grades

easier for the other to fill in.

I volunteered to do that so whether they thank me or not 

I really could care less.

And now the 'boss' wants me to search for a laptop

 at this time of the night?

Its 9pm?! 

What the hell?!

Nobody in their right mind would lend me one.

Everybody would be on facebook.

I would rather do a white board presentation.

Really! I am no miracle worker.

Blessings

oh god, i did a really bad thing today.

the new "casual" midwife,
implanted by the mayor
decided to celebrate her first salary
by cooking kare-kare for everybody.

and because, for the life of me,
i cannot really swallow all the bullshit
that she is putting out and because
of my stupid pride and because i know
i should have had her coveted "item"
as a paid government employee,

i walked out and went home.

i made excuses that i did not eat
that particular viand and claimed that
i am off meat products but really...

di ko masikmura ang pagpapakain niya
bilang simbulo ng tagumpay niya.

i knew that if i ate her kare, it would be
like acknowledging that yes i am a puny
pawn - kinain ang sarili niyang pride.

kahit magutom ako dun
at least di ko kinain principles ko.

if kahit konting katiting na delikadesa at goodness
may natitira pa sa corrupt na gobyernong ito
please lord show it to me...

when i came back,
everybody sensed it,
they kept on asking me
bakit di ako kumain,

i was an automaton on replay
"di po ako nakain ng karne
at di po ako nakain ng kare unless luto
ng lola ko na unfortunately ay deads na"

but we all knew why...

and then my chief nurse told me
"hayaan mo anak pag nanalo si
*insert mayor's name here*
ako mismo magbaback-up sayo
at ipapalipat ko sila"

i almost cried
kunyari nagbabasa ako ng diyaryo
at ngumingiti pero di ko na
talaga mabasa yung nakasulat
dahil pinipigilan kong umiyak.

i deserve it,
volunteer for 2 years,
most recommended and trusted,
and then dahil lang sa pulitika
wala na...

i went home, changed clothes,
went to the post office to drop
some mail and while riding the jeep
i saw this boy na may cerebral palsy.

tumigil yung dyip sa kanto kung saan
siya nakatayo at binigyan siya ng driver ng barya.
i recognized him kasi, we gave him some food
the past month kasi sabi nung isa na mabait siya
at hindi makulit kung manglimos di tulad nung
mga pesteng mini-lupin na mga bata sa kalsada.

going back...
natandaan ko siya kasi nakain kami
dati ng merienda sa mini stop
at dahil transparent ang windows
nagpeople watching kami,
nakita ko siya na hirap na kumikilos,

tumabi siya sa mga trisikel driver,
nilabas yung mumurahing mga hopia na
baon niya at inalok lahat yung nakatambay.

sobrang natunaw ako sa ginawa
niya kasi mas kailangan niya yung food
tapos inalok pa sa iba so i decided
to buy some kariman for him
and asked my kasama to give it to him
kasi baka mailang sa kulay ko.

tapos eto ulit nakita ko siya sa kanto,
kung abutan siya ok lang,
kung wala kang barya ok lang din.

yung inabot ng jeepney driver
sa kaniya nilagay niya agad sa maliit na pouch
and he gave everybody this smile
na alam mong sincere.

it took me all my strength to stop
bawling and crying my eyes out
on the jeepney.

putang-ina!
who am i to complain?!!!!
this boy has to live with cerebral palsy
all his life, he cant go to a normal
school, cant move freely as other kids,
he gets teased for being different,
malamang hindi pa nga siya napasok sa school
tapos eto ako reklamo ng reklamo,
napakawala kong kwenta.

pagkatapak ko sa bahay,
umiyak ako.
inayakan ko yung bata pati
yung katangahan kong magreklamo
pati na rin yung frustration ko sa buhay.

God bless that kid and keep him safe.

Mad & mad

I am mad - fuming mad
and i am mad - crazy mad.

I now have lost all
my dedication and passion to work.

It seems that the primary level
institution where i volunteer, it being
a microcosm representative of the
nation and its citizens as well,
has proven itself riddled with
all the evil traits of Filipinos.

nepotism

corruption

padrino system

goons, guns, and gold.

politics.

do you know what i feel?
every time i step into the building...
its as if my chest just got hit
by a monster truck and buried
under a mountain of boulders
and rubble.

the death of my enthusiasm...
i still care for the patients with a smile
i still give them my best,
i do not let workplace politics affect the
quality of my service towards my patients.

but i cant stand it anymore,
i am not happy.

just let me rant...
it will all go away soon.
my mind and my soul has begun
the process of numbing yet again.

is there no justice in this nation anymore?
bakit pa ba ako nag-aral ng maigi
kung di din pala ako makakakuha ng trabaho.
leche!
sana nag-invest na lang ako
sa pagpapa-lipo at make-up lessons
at baka may napala pa ako.